Andy Borowitz

I don't need to buy Facebook. I already bought .

BREAKING: Facebook User Clicks on Ad #Facebook

#Facebook will be worth even more someday to the alien scientists trying to determine why humans perished.

Conclusive proof that Facebook has peaked:

Zuckerberg: "You've already wasted your time on Facebook - now waste your money." More here:

As for Facebook, people seem to be saying that $100B is a small price to pay to avoid interacting with actual people.

The 2012 election is between the first Black president in US history versus the whitest man ever in world history.

Fox New Reports: Romney Could Make History by Defeating First Gay Muslim President

Romney: "When I'm President, gay people will have the same right to be fired as straight people."

Romney: "As President, I will treat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad like one of those nancy-boys at prep school."

Bill Clinton was our first Black President, and Barack Obama is our first gay one.

Fox News Reports: America's First Foreign-born Muslim President May Also Be Gay

Fox News Poll: Obama Leading Among Foreign-born Gay Socialist Muslims

Obama's critics are now saying that on a scale from 1 to Muslim, Obama is gay.

BREAKING: Obama Sends Biden on Diplomatic Mission to Antarctica

BREAKING: Biden Apologizes for Getting Ahead of Obama on Same Sex Marriage; Proposes Diplomatic Relations with Iran

On the whole, Obama likes same-sex unions except for the one he has with Biden.

BREAKING: Obama is considering a plan to make Hillary VP, Biden Postmaster General, & then disband the postal service.

"I'm Mayor of Hell on Foursquare." -- Osama bin Laden

Romney: "True, I wouldn't have killed bin Laden. But on my first day in office I promise to kill your healthcare."

Based on the huge stash of porn recovered from his lair, the CIA believes bin Laden acted alone.

Romney: "True, I would not have killed bin Laden. But I would have strapped him to my car and scared him shitless."

When someone says "Obama didn't kill bin Laden, Navy SEALS did," the correct response is, "You are a fucking moron."

We invaded Afghanistan to find bin Laden. We found him in Pakistan, and we're still in Afghanistan. We need better GPS.

If corporations are people, JP Morgan is a douche who loses all his money playing the slots in Vegas.

With its IPO, #Facebook is now officially a waste of time AND money.

To put Facebook's $100B in perspective, it would take JP Morgan 50 trades to lose that much money.

American politics: where a former high school bully is given unlimited money to attack people.

Romney: "I believe that marriage is defined as the union between a man's money and a woman's money."

Europe is divided between Germany, who doesn't want to spend any money, and France, who wants to blow it all on hookers.

Amazing rescue plan for Greece:

BREAKING: Greece to Reboot as Social Network, FetaBook: #FetaBook

MUST READ: Greece No Longer a Nation; Announces Plan to Become Social Network:

BREAKING: Greece No Longer a Nation; Announces Plan to Become Social Network

Mark Zuckerberg reveals his plans to purchase Greece: #Facebook #Greece

Prediction: What started in France and Greece will continue in Wisconsin.