Gennefer Gross

My phone just autocorrected 'brunch' to 'church,' which is apropos because pancakes and day drinking are my religion.

Thinking about switching things up at brunch today by adopting a British accent.

Off to celebrate the courageous Marys who gave their lives so that all of us could get drunk at brunch.

I will stare your grandma down for a table if there's a long wait at brunch.

RT @davidgrossTV: .@Gennefer wanted to get bottomless mimosas with brunch so looks like I'll be crawling to the tuxedo shop.

If you re-arrange the letters in the word 'brunch,' it spells 'get drunk before noon while eating fancy toast.'

(I'm drunk.)

May we all find such truth. "Writing on the Internet was a life-saver for me. On the Web, my real voice found expression." - Roger #Ebert

A few things in life bring moments of supreme joy like sex, donuts & #1600Penn. Tune in tonight or you hate happiness. @joshgad @JennaElfman

The only thing better than being high on life is comatose on Ambien.

I was lucky enough to marry the love of my life and everyone should have that right. #MarriageEquality

There's nothing in life two* margaritas can't cure.

*dozen

Everything I know about life I learned from Spencer Gifts key chains.

My four food groups are Meat, Butter, Lard and Self-Loathing.

Any food can be breakfast food if you put the word 'breakfast' in front of it. *bites into breakfast ribeye* *takes sip of breakfast scotch*

My biggest regrets in life are high calorie snack foods.

Oh, the places you'll go because you got laid off and wander the streets, eating food out of trash cans and peeing in alleys. #SadDrSeuss

In hindsight, might not have been the smartest idea to tell my son that my birth control pills were a PEZ sundial.

Sorry, HERSHEY'S, 2-inches isn't my idea of 'fun size.'

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can't get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

You know those superhuman powers mothers conjure when their child's in danger? It's the same for me when my iPhone's about to hit water.

Frosting a chocolate cupcake with peanut butter like a mother fucking visionary.

RT @davidgrossTV: Happy birthday to the most amazing muse, mother and wife @Gennefer! After all this time, I still can't believe I get to see her naked.

If Kim Jong-un read all of our bad North Korea jokes, he'd realize we, as a population, are already doomed and call off the nukes.

All my knowledge on any given topic is just a bunch of random assumptions I make from your Twitter jokes.

"Are we still making big dick jokes?" - Jon Hamm's penis

Listen, you guys, most of my jokes on Saturdays are going to be about Mimosas. Because I'm drunk. On Mimosas. #BottomlessMimosas

Those short attention span/ADD jokes are so orig