Next, you'll be asked to connect with Twitter. Rest assured, we will never send a tweet from your account without your permission.
Naming my kids Up and Adam so I have a reason to say that in the mornings.
RT @Kyle_Lippert: Cleveland: I miss us.
LeBron: It's been years. I've moved on.
Cleveland: But I've changed. Give us another chance. For the kids.
RT @loribuckmajor: If I had to guess how many kids peed in this pool today I'd go with all of them.
Every time you exploit your kids for a funny Vine video Harry Chapin gets royalties for Cat's in the Cradle.
Dear Slenderman, please tell kids to eat their vegetables and do their homework.
Will spank your kids for free. #knewIwasamom #ItTakesAVillage @sixwords #sixwords
I shudder to think about how many dyslexic kids say, "On" to drugs.
You know in The Lion King when they raise Simba and the animals cheer? That's how you should feel about your kids. But on the inside.
Cough syrup has a high alcohol content because sometimes kids just need to take the edge off, you know?
I've got it: pizza-flavored tooth paste! *a group of kids hoists me on their shoulders* *I throw a newsboy cap in the air*
People in big cities don't need to have kids because people in small towns are having enough for them.
Kasey Casem would have gotten away with it if it hadn't been for those nosy kids and their meddling dog.
Kids from dysfunctional families often have IBS. Bullies often come from broken homes. Rest assured the guy who picked on you couldn't poop.
People who use shrill, falsely-enthusiastic voices when talking to kids are probably afraid of them. Mr. Rogers never did that.
Kids: when I grow up I am eating waffles every day!
Grown ups: Waffles every day? That's something you can only do as a kid.
See what's Trending Now for @curlycomedy