Jason Sweeney

"Baby, baby, baby, no!" - Justin Bieber actually watching the birth of triplets

"Baby, baby, baby, oh!" - Justin Bieber excited to watch the birth of triplets

The only way I would care about Jessica Simpson giving birth is if 99 Dalmatians came out.

If you wear your fur-lined hood up, I have a vague idea of what you looked like at birth.

And so begins the birthers' long journey to Mordor to drop Obama's birth certificate in Mount Doom.

Just acted out my wife giving birth to our cat. How's your Friday night?

I like to pretend my cat is a spy and I know he's a spy and he knows I know but we keep up the fiction because it's the only life we know.

Me: "You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. What do you want to do with it?"
Wife: "Burn them all."

We begin our lives screaming and covered in blood after being squeezed out of a vagina, but you're scared of spiders.

"Seeing an Oscar winner in a straight-to-DVD movie makes me feel better about my life choices," he realized while peeing in the shower.

The ghost of Ernest Hemingway just told me my iPhone will get better battery life if I force-quit all my apps.

I get stressed when award shows play the wrap-it-up music because it reminds me of my sex life.

"Baby, baby, baby, no!" - Justin Bieber actually watching the birth of triplets

"Baby, baby, baby, oh!" - Justin Bieber excited to watch the birth of triplets

"You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna diiie." - world's worst obstetrician

I think my food baby is actually food triplets. I probably shouldn't have taken food fertility drugs.

I'm celebrating Valentine's Day the way I always do — giving bows and arrows to babies.

Oh baby, if I was peanut butter, I'd stick to the roof of your mouth so hard. It would be a short relationship.

That was a joke. I know what leftovers are. I'm not a monster.

I'm sorry. That was a bad joke. New Zealanders aren't real.

Whoops. Looks like I made the same joke last year about Google+. I feel so lame. Not as lame as Google+ or QR codes, but still. Pretty lame.

"Ugh, I'm still writing '12:00' on all my checks." - A VCR writing a joke on Twitter

No one is talking about the elephant in the room — my coworker just made a racist joke.

My coworker is an elephant.

The best thing about marriage is getting to pretend all my jokes about not having sex are actually jokes.

Listen, sonny. This ain't my first rodeo. That's a horsey and that's a moo-cow and that's a cowboy!

I know cows don't eat hamburgers, but what do they eat when they're in the *mood* for hamburgers?

The cow says "moo!" The sheep says "baa!" The white man says "That's not fair!"

Asked if something was in walking distance and everyone froze and now everyone's looking at me like I'm a talking cow.

Having just googled "cow wearing a dress", I feel I could hold up my end of a conversation on the subject of a cow wearing a dress.

"Knock-knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting Cow."
"Interrupting Cow who?"
"Interrupting Cow Rosenberg. And yes, I fucking hate my parents."

Saying you have regrets is just a passive-aggressive way of saying "Can I borrow your time machine?"

Saw "The Avengers" and now I'm building a time machine to go back to when I left Tim Burton's "Batman" and say "It gets better".

The most common Google search before Google was invented was "How do I fix a time machine ah crap I forgot this doesn't exist yet".

Built a time machine to go back and stop the bully that gave me all those wedgies. Met this *really* annoying kid. Long story short...

"What if you put a time machine going forward in time inside a time machine going backward in time?"

I make webinars fun.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.