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Me: "You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. What do you want to do with it?"
Wife: "Burn them all."
I just want to get this out there so there's no confusion and we can all have a nice weekend — my wife is right and I'm wrong.
Caught my wife looking up spoilers online. I guess this is the sickness part of "in sickness and in health".
Wait a sec- are these tentacles? And since when do I have horns? I guess I was wrong. It looks like I am a monster.
I love gorgonzola, but I would love it more if it was named Gorgonzilla. And it was a giant cheese monster. And we were friends.
I'm taking a stand — people who put the toilet paper on the holder [direction you put the toilet paper on the holder] are monsters.
Actually, "Frankenstein" is the name of the doctor. What you should have said is my head reminds you of Frankenstein's *monster*.
I like to pretend my cat is a spy and I know he's a spy and he knows I know but we keep up the fiction because it's the only life we know.
Me: "You've got the rest of your life ahead of you. What do you want to do with it?"
Wife: "Burn them all."
We begin our lives screaming and covered in blood after being squeezed out of a vagina, but you're scared of spiders.
"Seeing an Oscar winner in a straight-to-DVD movie makes me feel better about my life choices," he realized while peeing in the shower.
The ghost of Ernest Hemingway just told me my iPhone will get better battery life if I force-quit all my apps.
"You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna diiie." - world's worst obstetrician
I think my food baby is actually food triplets. I probably shouldn't have taken food fertility drugs.
Whoops. Looks like I made the same joke last year about Google+. I feel so lame. Not as lame as Google+ or QR codes, but still. Pretty lame.
No one is talking about the elephant in the room — my coworker just made a racist joke.
My coworker is an elephant.
The cookie I just ate wasn't really stale, but it was skimming through its high school yearbook wondering where the years went.
Asked if something was in walking distance and everyone froze and now everyone's looking at me like I'm a talking cow.
Having just googled "cow wearing a dress", I feel I could hold up my end of a conversation on the subject of a cow wearing a dress.
Saying you have regrets is just a passive-aggressive way of saying "Can I borrow your time machine?"
Saw "The Avengers" and now I'm building a time machine to go back to when I left Tim Burton's "Batman" and say "It gets better".
The most common Google search before Google was invented was "How do I fix a time machine ah crap I forgot this doesn't exist yet".
Built a time machine to go back and stop the bully that gave me all those wedgies. Met this *really* annoying kid. Long story short...
"What if you put a time machine going forward in time inside a time machine going backward in time?"
I make webinars fun.
